Why I Regret Having An Abortion
For weeks I have watched as people from diverse backgrounds have commented and reported on the happenings within Planned Parenthood. I have watched women band together to fight what they consider to be an attack on women. I have watched individuals within our government make their strong stand to defund the organization and what they are known for. The worst of it all, seeing the disgusting videos of a Planned Parenthood employee gleefully admitting to selling body parts from an aborted baby.
No, I am not a crazy pro-life or women’s rights advocate. I don’t protest or picket. I do not live my daily life thinking our society is out to get women and I could really care less what a suited politician has to say on camera! I am a woman who has had an abortion; who has found herself young, pregnant, and scared. I am a woman who has had nothing. I am a woman who has made bad decisions. I am a woman who lives with regret from the start of everyday to the end of every night.
We are placed on this earth to live our lives the way we want to live them. It is our choice want we want to make of ourselves and what we want to do to our bodies. This is why we live where we do, to be free.
I AM A WOMAN WHO HAS HAD AN ABORTION, WHO HAS FOUND HERSELF YOUNG, PREGNANT, AND SCARED. I AM A WOMAN WHO HAS HAD NOTHING. I AM A WOMAN WHO HAS MADE BAD DECISIONS. I AM A WOMAN WHO LIVES WITH REGRET FROM THE START OF EVERYDAY TO THE END OF EVERY NIGHT.
Like I said before, I am not against Planned Parenthood, but I think it is time they make a change! I found myself young, scared, pregnant, and ashamed with the life I had found myself living. I could not bring myself to accept the failure and disappointment my family would have for me if they knew I was pregnant. So I decided to keep my secret from them. I decided to end the “problem” before it could change my life forever.
My boyfriend was too caught up with the shock and horror to understand that a baby might have been a blessing. There was no comfort from him. The first thing out of his mouth, “we have to fix this fast!” I was young, stupid, and in what I thought was love.
I look back on my young self and only see weakness. I was weak to not stand up for what I wanted. I was weak for not wanting more. I was weak for accepting defeat.
Instead of taking a step back to know and understand my options, I jumped at the request of my boyfriend. Although I was battling so many emotions, I found myself secretly happy. Secretly dreaming of our future.
To this day I still have flashbacks of walking into the Planned Parenthood Clinic. As we walked past the crowd of protesters I can remember entering a very dark and cold waiting room. There were other young couples silently sitting next to each other tightly gripping one another’s hands. At that moment it didn’t matter what I wanted. I was there. When my name was called, I went into the exam room. I went through with it.
At that moment, the reality that I had taken a human life hit me like a Mac truck, and it wasn’t pretty.
Why did I do it? Why? That is the question I still ask myself everyday.
I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I made the wrong decision.
I know this now because I am finally a mother. I get to watch my young children grow, and laugh. I get to be there to hold them when they are sick. I get to watch the joy in their eyes as they are playing outside. I get to wipe the tears from their eyes when they fall and kiss their boo-boos.
I LOOK BACK ON MY YOUNG SELF AND ONLY SEE WEAKNESS. I WAS WEAK TO NOT STAND UP FOR WHAT I WANTED. I WAS WEAK FOR NOT WANTING MORE. I WAS WEAK FOR ACCEPTING DEFEAT.
Having an abortion has made me a better mom. It has made me truly appreciate the joy within my children and the love I have for them. However, I will always have that empty place in my heart that I will never get back. I will always be faced with the struggle of wanting to replace what I lost.
Every woman should be able to experience the joy that comes with a child, but they should also have the right to choose a different road. It is not the decision that should be made by her family, friends, politicians, religious figures, celebrities, or women’s right advocates. It is hers, and only hers.
I can only hope that a scared young woman knows all of her options when she is faced with making the hardest decision of her life. I hope she can find the light and not be dragged into the dark!
So please take a step back and stop the fight! Let our women be educated on the future they can have instead of frightened! Let them find stable ground instead of living in fear and uncertainty!
Planned Parenthood needs to change! Anything less is a slap in the face to women who find themselves in the same situation I was in. I am now aware of local crisis pregnancy centers in some areas which give young scared women a range of options. If these options had been available to me, I may have chosen a far different path.
photo: Getty images